Friday, February 23, 2001

The Kids

And everyone should get along..
Okay children quiet down, quiet down
Children I'd like to introduce our new substitute teacher for the day
His name is Mr. Shady
Children quiet down please
Brian don't throw that (SHUT UP!)
Mr. Shady will be your new substitute
while Mr. Kaniff is out with pneumonia (HE'S GOT AIDS!)
Good luck Mr. Shady

[Eminem]
Hi there little boys and girls (FUCK YOU!)
Today we're gonna to learn how to poison squirrels
But first, I'd like you to meet my friend Bob (Huh?)
Say hi Bob! ("Hi Bob") Bob's 30 and still lives with his mom
and he don't got a job, cause Bob sits at home and smokes pot
but his twelve-year old brother looks up to him an awful lot
And Bob likes to hang out at the local waffle spot
and wait in the parkin lot for waitresses off the clock
when it's late and the lot gets dark and fake like he walks his dog
Drag 'em in the woods and go straight to the chopping blocks (AHH!)
And even if they escaped and they got the cops
the ladies would all be so afraid, they would drop the charge
'til one night Mrs. Stacey went off the job
when she felt someone grab her whole face and said not to talk
But Stacey knew it was Bob and said knock it off
But Bob wouldn't knock it off cause he's crazy and off his rocker
Crazier than Slim Shady is off the vodka
You couldn't even take him to Dre's to get Bob a "Dr."
He grabbed Stace' by the legs as chopped it off her
and dropped her off in the lake for the cops to find her
But ever since the day Stacey went off to wander
they never found her, and Bob still hangs at the waffle diner
And that's the story of Bob and his marijuana,
and what it might do to you
So see if the squirrels want any - it's bad for you

Chorus: Mr. Mackey (Eminem)

See children, drugs are bahhhd (c'mon)
and if you don't believe me, ask ya dahhhd (ask him man)
and if you don't believe him, ask ya mom (that's right)
She'll tell you how she does 'em all the time (she will)
So kids say no to drugs (that's right)
So you don't act like everyone else does (uh-huh)
Then there's really nothin else to say (sing along)
Drugs are just bad, mmm'kay?

[Eminem]
My penis is the size of a peanut, have you seen it?
FUCK NO you ain't seen it, it's the size of a peanut (Huh?)
Speakin of peanuts, you know what else is bad for squirrels?
Ecstasy is the worst drug in the world
If someone ever offers it to you, don't do it
Kids two hits'll probably drain all your spinal fluid
and spinal fluid is final, you won't get it back
So don't get attached, it'll attack every bone in your back
Meet Zach, twenty-one years old
After hangin out with some friends at a frat party, he gets bold
and decides to try five, when he's bribed by five guys
and peer pressure will win every time you try to fight it
Suddenly, he starts to convulse and his pulse goes into hyperdrive
and his eyes roll back in his skull {*blblblblblb*}
His back starts tah - look like the McDonald's Arches
He's on Donald's carpet, layin horizontal barfin {*BLEH*}
And everyone in the apartment starts laughin at him
"Hey Adam, Zach is a jackass, look at him!"
cause they took it too, so they think it's funny
So they're laughing at basically nothing except maybe wasting his money
Meanwhile, Zach's in a coma, the action is over
and his back and his shoulders hunched up like he's practicin yoga
And that's the story of Zach, the ecstasy maniac
So don't even feed that to squirrels class, cause it's bad for you

Chorus: Mr. Mackey (Eminem)

See children, drugs are bahhhd (that's right)
and if you don't believe me, ask ya dahhhd (that's right)
and if you don't believe him, ask ya mom (you can)
She'll tell you how she does 'em all the time (she will)
So kids say no to drugs (smoke crack)
So you don't act like everyone else does (that's right)
And there's really nothin else to say (but umm)
Drugs are just bad, mmm'kay?

[Eminem]
And last but not least, one of the most humungous
problems among young people today, is fungus
It grows from cow manure, they pick it out, wipe it off,
bag it up, and you put it right in your mouth and chew it
Yum yum! Then you start to see some dumb stuff
And everything slows down when you eat some of 'em..
And sometimes you see things that aren't there (Like what?)
Like fat woman in G-strings with orange hair
(Mr. Shady what's a G-string?) It's yarn Claire
Women stick 'em up their behinds, go out and wear 'em (Huh?)
And if you swallow too much of the magic mushrooms
Whoops, did I say magic mushrooms? I meant fungus
Ya tongue gets, all swoll up like a cow's tongue (How come?)
cause it comes from a cow's dung (Gross!!)
See drugs are bad, it's a common fact
But your mom and dad, know that's all that I'm good at (Oh!)
But don't be me, cause if you grow up and you go and O.D.
They're gonna come for me and I'ma have to grow a goatee
and get a disguise and hide, cause it'll be my fault
So don't do drugs, and do exactly as I don't,
cause I'm bad for you

Chorus: Mr. Mackey (Eminem)

See children, drugs are bahhhd (uh-huh)
and if you don't believe me, ask ya dahhhd (put that down)
and if you don't believe him, ask ya mom (you can ask)
She'll tell you how she does 'em all the time (and she will)
So kids say no to drugs (say no)
So you don't act like everyone else does (like I do)
And there's really nothin else to say (that's right)
Drugs are just bad, mmm'kay?

[Mr. Mackey] (Eric Cartman)
Come on children, clap along (SHUT UP!)
Sing along children (Suck my motherfuckin dick!)
Drugs are just bad, drugs are just bad (South Park is gonna sue me!)
So don't do drugs (Suck my motherfuckin penis!)
so there'll be more for me (Hippie! God damnit!)
(Mushrooms killed Kenny! *fart* Ewww, ahhh!)
(So, fucked up, right now..)

Marshall Mathers

You know I just don't get it
Last year I was nobody
This year I'm sellin records
Now everyone wants to come around like I owe 'em something
What the fuck you want from me?
Ten million dollars!
Get the fuck outta here!

You see I'm just Marshall Mathers
(Marshal Mathers)
I'm just a regular guy I don't know why
All the fuss about me
(Fuss about me)
Nobody ever gave a fuck before
All they did was doubt me
(Did was doubt me)
Now everybody wanna run they mouth
And try to take shots at me
(Take shots at me)

Yo, you might see me joggin'
You might see me walkin'
You might see me walkin' a dead Rottweiler dog
With his head chopped off in the park with a spiked collar
Hollering at him cause the son of a bitch wont quit barking
Or leaning out a window with a cocked shotgun
Driving up the block in the car that they shot Pac in
Lookin for Big's killers, dressin' ridiculous
Blue and red like I don't see what the big deal is
Double barrel twelve gauge bigger than Chris Wallace
Pissed off, cause Biggie and Pac just missed all this
Watchin' all these cheap imitations get rich off em
And get dollars that should've been theirs like they switched wallets
And amidst all this Cris poppin and wrist watches
I just sit back and just watch and just get nauseous
And walk around with a empty bottle of Remi Martin
Starting shit like some 26 year old skinny Cartman
(God Damn It!)
I'm anti Backstreet and Ricky Martin
Its instincts to kill N Sync don't get me started
These fucking brats can't sing and Britney's garbage
What is this bitch retarded?
Gimme back my sixteen dollars
All I see is sissies in magazines smiling
(He-he!)
Whatever happened to wildin out and being violent
Whatever happened to catchin a good old-fashioned passionate
Ass whoopin' and getting your shoes, coat, and your hat tooken

New kids on the block suck a lot of dick
Boy/girl groups make me sick
And I can't wait till I catch all you faggots in public
I'mma love it
(Ha-ha-ha)

Vanilla Ice don't like me
(Uh-uh)
He said some shit in Vibe to spite me
(Yep!)
Then went and dyed his hair just like me
(Heh-heh)
A bunch of little kids wanna swear just like me
And run around screamin "I don't care, just bite me"
(Na-na)
I think I was put here to annoy the world
And destroy your little four-year old boy or girl
Plus I was put here to put fear in faggots who spray Faygo root beer
And call them selves clowns cause they look queer
Faggots who don't but silent gay
Claimin' Detroit, when y'all live twenty miles away
And I don't wrestle I'll knock you fuckin' faggots the fuck out
Ask them about the club they was at when they snuck out
After they ducked out the back when they saw us and bugged out
Ducked down and got paintball shot at they truck, plow
Look at y'all runnin your mouth again
When you ain't seen a fuckin' mile road South of 10
And I don't need help from D-12
To beat up two females in make up
Who may try to scratch me with Lee nails
Slim Anus! You damn right Slim Anus
I don't get fucked in mine like you two little flaming faggots

Cause I'm just Marshall Mathers
(Marshal Mathers)
I'm not a wrestler guy
I'll knock you out if you talk about me
(Talk about me)
Come and see me on the streets alone
If you assholes doubt me
(Assholes doubt me)
And if wanna run your mouth
Then come and take your best shot at me
(Best shot at me)

Is it because you love me that y'all expect so much of me?
You little groupie bitch get off me, go fuck Puffy
Now because of this blonde mop that's on top
With this fucked up head that I've got I've gone pop
The underground just spun around and did a 360
Now these kids diss me and act like some big sissies
Oh, he just did some shit with Missy
So now he thinks he's too big to do some shit with Emcee Get Busy
My fuckin' bitch mom suing for ten million
She must want a dollar for every pill I've been stealing
Shit, where the fuck you think I picked up the habit
All I had to do was go in her room and lift up her mattress
Which is it bitch Mrs. Briggs or Ms. Mathers
It doesn't matter - faggot
Talkin about how I fabricated my past
She's just aggravated I won't ejaculate in his ass
So tell me what the hell is a fella to do?
For every million I make, another relative sues
Family fighting and fussin'
Over for who wants to invite me to supper
All of a sudden I got 90 some cousins
(Hey it's me!)
A half brother and sister who never see me
Or even bothered to call me until they saw me on TV
Now everybody's so happy and proud
I'm finally allowed to set foot in my girlfriend's house
(Hey!)
And then to top it off I walk to the newsstand
And buy this cheap ass magazine with a food stamp
Skipped to the last page flipped right fast
And what do I see? A picture of my big white ass!
Ok, lemme give you motherfuckers some help
Uh here Double XL, Double XL
Now your magazine shouldn't have so much trouble to sell
Aww fuck it I'll even buy a couple myself

Cause I'm just Marshall Mathers
(Marshal Mathers)
I'm just a regular guy I don't know
All the fuss about me
(Fuss about me)
Nobody ever gave a fuck before
All they did was doubt me
(Did was doubt me)
Now everybody wanna run they mouth
And try to take shots at me
(Take shots at me)

Cause I'm just Marshall Mathers
(Marshal Mathers)
I'm just a regular guy I don't know
All the fuss about me
(Fuss about me)
Nobody ever gave a fuck before
All they did was doubt me
(Did was doubt me)
Now everybody wanna run they mouth
And try to take shots at me
(Take shots at me)

Criminal

[Intro]
A lot of people ask me stupid fuckin' questions
A lot of people think that what I say on record
Or what I talk about on a record
That I actually do in real life, or that I believe in it
Or if I say that I wanna kill somebody, that
I'm actually gonna do it, or that I believe in it
Well shit, if you believe that, then I'll kill you
You know why?

Cuz I'm a criminal
Criminal
(You goddamn right)
I'm a criminal
Yeah, I'm a criminal

[Eminem]
My words are like a dagger with a jagged edge
And I'll stab you in the head, whether you're a fag or les
A homosex, hermaph, or a transeves
Pants address, hey fags, the answer's yes
Homophobic?
Nah, you're just heterophobic
Starin' in my jeans, watchin' my genetiles bulgin'
That's my mothafuckin' balls, you better let go of 'em
They belong in my scrotum, you'll never get ahold of 'em
Hey, it's me, Versace
Whoops, somebody shot me
And I was just checkin' the mail
Get it, checkin' the male?
How many records you expectin' to sell?
After your second LP sends you directly to jail
Come on, relax cat
I like gay men, right Ken?
Give me an Amen
"Amen!"
Please Lord, this boy needs Jesus
Heal this child, help us destroy these demons
Uh, please send me a brand new car
And a prostitute, while my wife's sick in the hospital
Preacher, preacher, 5th grade teacher
You can't reach me, my mom can't neither
You can't teach me a goddamn thing
Cuz I watch TV on Comcast cable
And you ain't able to stop these thoughts
You can't stop me from toppin' these charts
And you can't stop me from droppin' each March
With a brand new CD for these fuckin' retards
And to think, it's just lil' ol' me
Mr. 'don't give a fuck' still won't leave
I'm a...

I'm a criminal
Cuz everytime I write a rhyme
These people think it's a crime to tell 'em what's on my mind
I guess I'm a criminal
I don't gotta say a word
I just flip 'em the bird and keep goin'
I don't take shit from no one


I'm a criminal
Cuz everytime I write a rhyme
These people think it's a crime to tell 'em what's on my mind
I guess I'm a criminal
I don't gotta say a word
I just flip 'em the bird and keep goin'
I don't take shit from no one

The mother did drugs, hard liquor, cigarettes and speed
The baby came out disfigured, ligaments in need
It was a seed who would grow up just as crazy as she
Don't dare make fun of that baby cuz that baby was me
I'm a criminal
An animal caged to turn crazed
But how the fuck you supposed to grow up when you weren't raised?
So as I got older and I got a lot taller
My dick shrunk smaller but my balls got larger
I drink more liquor to fuck you up quicker
Then you'd wanna fuck me after sayin' a word
My morals went *pft* when the president got oral
Sex in his Oval Office on top of his desk
From his own employee, now don't ignore me
You won't avoid me, you can't miss me
I'm white, blonde hair, and my nose is pointy
I'm the bad guy who makes fun of people that die
In plane crashes, and laughs, as long as it ain't happen to him
Slim Shady, I'm as crazy as Eminem and Kim combined
(The maniac sent) In place of the doctor
Cuz Dre couldn't make it today
He's a little under the weather, so I'm takin' his place
Oh, that's Dre, with an AK to his face
Don't make me kill him too and spray his brains all over the place
I told you Dre, you should kept that thing put away
I guess that'll teach you not to let me play with an A
I'm a criminal!

[Dre] (Eminem)
Alright look (uh-huh)
Just go up in that mothafucka
Get the mothafuckin' money and get the fuck up outta there
(Alright)
I'll be right here waitin' on you
(Alright)
Yo Em!
(What?!)
Don't kill nobody this time!
(Alright!)
(Goddamn, this mothafucka gets on my fuckin' nerves)

[Eminem] (Bank teller)
(Hi) How you doin'?
(How can I help you?)
Yeah, I need to make a withdrawl
(Okay)
Put the fuckin' money in the bag bitch
And I won't kill you
(Oh my God, don't kill me)
I'm not gonna kill you bitch
Quit lookin' around
(Don't kill me, I've got 2 kids at home, don't kill me)
I told you I'm not gonna fuckin' kill you
Hurry the fuck up!
*gun shot*
THANK YOU!

[Eminem]
Windows tinted on my ride when I drive in it
So when I rob a bank, run out and just dive in it
So I'll be disguised in it
And if anybody identifies the guy in it
I'll hide for 5 minutes
Come back, shoot the eyewitness
Fire at the private eye hired to pry in my business
Die bitches
Passed this scratched 'Vette
This puppy's lucky I didn't blast his ass yet
If I ever gave a fuck, I'd shave my nuts
Tuck my dick in between my legs and cluck
You mothafuckin' chickens ain't brave enough
To say the stuff I say, so just tape it shut
Shit, half the shit I say, I just make it up
To make you mad, so kiss my white naked ass
And if it's not a rapper that I'll make it as
I'mma be a fuckin' rapist in a Jason mask

I'm a criminal
Cuz everytime I write a rhyme
These people think it's a crime to tell 'em what's on my mind
I guess I'm a criminal
I don't gotta say a word
I just flip 'em the bird and keep goin'
I don't take shit from no one
(repeat x 4)

Guilty Conscience


{sound of static}

[announcer]
Meet Eddie, twenty-three years old.
Fed up with life and the way things are going,
he decides to rob a liquor store.
("I can't take this no more, I can't take it no more homes")
But on his way in, he has a sudden change of heart.
And suddenly, his conscience comes into play...
("Shit is mine, I gotta do this.. gotta do this")

[Dr. Dre]
Alright, stop! (Huh?)
Now before you walk in the door of this liquor store
and try to get money out the drawer
You better think of the consequence (But who are you?)
I'm your motherfuckin conscience

[Eminem]
That's nonsense!
Go in and gaffle the money and run to one of your aunt's cribs
And borrow a damn dress, and one of her blonde wigs
Tell her you need a place to stay
You'll be safe for days if you shave your legs with an aged razor blade

[Dr. Dre]
Yeah but if it all goes through like it's supposed to
The whole neighborhood knows you and they'll expose you
Think about it before you walk in the door first
Look at the store clerk, she's older than George Burns

[Eminem]
Fuck that! Do that shit! Shoot that bitch!
Can you afford to blow this shit? Are you that rich?
Why you give a fuck if she dies? Are you that bitch?
Do you really think she gives a fuck if you have kids?

[Dr. Dre]
Man, don't do it, it's not worth it to risk it! (You're right!)
Not over this shit (Stop!) Drop the biscuit (I will!)
Don't even listen to Slim yo, he's bad for you
(You know what Dre? I don't like your attitude..)

{sound of static}

("It's alright c'mon, just come in here for a minute")
("Mmm, I don't know!")
("Look baby..")
("Damn!")
("Yo, it's gonna be alright, right?")
("Well OK..")

[announcer]
Meet Stan, twenty-one years old. ("Give me a kiss!")
After meeting a young girl at a rave party,
things start getting hot and heavy in an upstairs bedroom.
Once again, his conscience comes into play... ("Shit!")

[Eminem]
Now listen to me, while you're kissin her cheek
and smearin her lipstick, I slipped this in her drink
Now all you gotta do is nibble on this little bitch's earlobe..
(Yo! This girl's only fifteen years old
You shouldn't take advantage of her, that's not fair)
Yo, look at her bush.. does it got hair? (Uh huh!)
Fuck this bitch right here on the spot bare
Til she passes out and she forgot how she got there
(Man, ain't you ever seen that one movie _Kids_?)
No, but I seen the porno with SunDoobiest!
(Shit, you wanna get hauled off to jail?)
Man fuck that, hit that shit raw dawg and bail..

{sound of static}
{pickup idling, radio playing}

[announcer]
Meet Grady, a twenty-nine year old construction worker.
After coming home from a hard day's work,
he walks in the door of his trailer park home
to find his wife in bed with another man.
("WHAT THE FUCK?!?!")
("Grady!!")

[Dr. Dre]
Alright calm down, relax, start breathin..

[Eminem]
Fuck that shit, you just caught this bitch cheatin
While you at work she's with some dude tryin to get off?!
FUCK slittin her throat, CUT THIS BITCH'S HEAD OFF!!!

[Dr. Dre]
Wait! What if there's an explanation for this shit?
(What? She tripped? Fell? Landed on his dick?!)
Alright Shady, maybe he's right Grady
But think about the baby before you get all crazy

[Eminem]
Okay! Thought about it, still wanna stab her?
Grab her by the throat, get your daughter and kidnap her?
That's what I did, be smart, don't be a retard
You gonna take advice from somebody who slapped DEE BARNES??!

[Dr. Dre]
What'chu say? (What's wrong? Didn't think I'd remember?)
I'ma kill you motherfucker!

[Eminem]
Uhhh-aahh! Temper temper!
Mr. Dre? Mr. N.W.A.?
Mr. AK comin' straight outta Compton y'all better make way?
How in the fuck you gonna tell this man not to be violent?

[Dr. Dre]
Cause he don't need to go the same route that I went
Been there, done that.. aw fuck it...
What am I sayin? Shoot em both Grady, where's your gun at?

{gun fires, is cocked, and re-fired}
My Name Is:
Chorus: repeat 2X

Hi! My name is.. (what?) My name is.. (who?)
My name is.. {scratches} Slim Shady
Hi! My name is.. (huh?) My name is.. (what?)
My name is.. {scratches} Slim Shady

Ahem.. excuse me!
Can I have the attention of the class
for one second?

[Eminem]
Hi kids! Do you like violence? (Yeah yeah yeah!)
Wanna see me stick Nine Inch Nails through each one of my eyelids? (Uh-huh!)
Wanna copy me and do exactly like I did? (Yeah yeah!)
Try 'cid and get fucked up worse that my life is? (Huh?)
My brain's dead weight, I'm tryin to get my head straight
but I can't figure out which Spice Girl I want to impregnate (Ummmm..)
And Dr. Dre said, "Slim Shady you a basehead!"
Uh-uhhh! "So why's your face red? Man you wasted!"
Well since age twelve, I've felt like I'm someone else
Cause I hung my original self from the top bunk with a belt
Got pissed off and ripped Pamela Lee's tits off
And smacked her so hard I knocked her clothes backwards like Kris Kross
I smoke a fat pound of grass and fall on my ass
faster than a fat bitch who sat down too fast
C'mere slut! (Shady, wait a minute, that's my girl dog!)
I don't give a fuck, God sent me to piss the world off!

Chorus

[Eminem]
My English teacher wanted to flunk me in junior high
Thanks a lot, next semester I'll be thirty-five
I smacked him in his face with an eraser, chased him with a stapler
and stapled his nuts to a stack of papers (Owwwwwwww!)
Walked in the strip club, had my jacket zipped up
Flashed the bartender, then stuck my dick in the tip cup
Extraterrestrial, runnin over pedestrians
in a spaceship while they screamin at me: "LET'S JUST BE FRIENDS!"
Ninety-nine percent of my life I was lied to
I just found out my mom does more dope than I do (Damn!)
I told her I'd grow up to be a famous rapper
Make a record about doin drugs and name it after her (Oh thank you!)
You know you blew up when the women rush your stands
and try to touch your hands like some screamin Usher fans (Aaahhhhhh!)
This guy at White Castle asked for my autograph
(Dude, can I get your autograph?)
So I signed it: 'Dear Dave, thanks for the support, ASSHOLE!'

Chorus

[Eminem]
Stop the tape! This kid needs to be locked away! (Get him!)
Dr. Dre, don't just stand there, OPERATE!
I'm not ready to leave, it's too scary to die (Fuck that!)
I'll have to be carried inside the cemetery and buried alive
(Huh yup!) Am I comin or goin? I can barely decide
I just drank a fifth of vodka -- dare me to drive? (Go ahead)
All my life I was very deprived
I ain't had a woman in years, and my palms are too hairy to hide
(Whoops!) Clothes ripped like the Incredible Hulk (hachhh-too)
I spit when I talk, I'll fuck anything that walks (C'mere)
When I was little I used to get so hungry I would throw fits
HOW YOU GONNA BREAST FEED ME MOM? (WAH!)
YOU AIN'T GOT NO TITS! (WAHHH!)
I lay awake and strap myself in the bed
Put a bulleproof vest on and shoot myself in the head (BANG!)
I'm steamin mad (Arrrggghhh!)
And by the way when you see my dad? (Yeah?)
Tell him that I slit his throat, in this dream I had
Kim:

[Eminem]
Aww look at daddy's baby girl
That's daddy baby
Little sleepy head
Yesterday I changed your diaper
Wiped you and powdered you.
How did you get so big?
Can't believe it now your two
Baby you're so precious
Daddy's so proud of you
Sit down bitch
If you move again I'll beat the shit out of you

[Eminem](Eminem as Kim)
(Okay)
Don't make me wake this baby
She don't need to see what I'm about to do
Quit crying bitch, why do you always make me shout at you?
How could you?
Just leave me and love him out the blue
Oh, what's a matter Kim?
Am I too loud for you?
Too bad bitch, your gonna finally hear me out this time
At first, I'm like all right
You wanna throw me out? That's fine!
But not for him to take my place, are you out you're mind?
This couch, this TV, this whole house is mine!
How could you let him sleep in our bed?
Look at Kim
Look at your husband now!
(No!)
I said look at him!
He ain't so hot now is he?
Little punk!
(Why are you doing this?)
Shut the fuck up!
(You're drunk! You're never going to get away at this!)
You think I give a fuck!
Come on we're going for a ride bitch
(No!)
Sit up front
(Well I can't just leave Haley alone, what if she wakes up?)
We'll be right back
Well I will you'll be in the trunk

So long, bitch you did me so wrong
I don't wanna go on
Living in this world without you

So long, bitch you did me so wrong
I don't wanna go on
Living in this world without you

You really fucked me Kim
You really did a number on me
Never knew me cheating on you would come back to haunt me
But we was kids then Kim, I was only 18
That was years ago
I thought we wiped the slate clean
That's fucked up!
(I love you!)
Oh God my brain is racing
(I love you!)
What are you doing?
Change the station I hate this song!
Does this look like a big joke?
(No!)
There's a four year old boy lyin' dead with a slit throat
In your living room, ha-ha
What you think I'm kiddin' you?
You loved him didn't you?
(No!)
Bullshit you bitch don't fucking lie to me
What the fuck's this guy's problem on the side of me?
Fuck you asshole, yeah bite me
Kim, KIM!
Why don't you like me?
You think I'm ugly don't you
(It's not that!)
No you think I'm ugly
(Baby)
Get the fuck away from me, don't touch me
I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!
I SWEAR TO GOD I HATE YOU
OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU
How the fuck could you do this to me?
(Sorry!)
How the fuck could you do this to me?

So long, bitch you did me so wrong
I don't wanna go on
Living in this world without you

So long, bitch you did me so wrong
I don't wanna go on
Living in this world without you

Come on get out
(I can't I'm scared)
I said get out bitch!
(Let go of my hair, please don't do this baby)
(Please I love you, look we can just take Haley and leave)
Fuck you, you did this to us
You did it, it's your fault
Oh my God I'm crackin' up
Get a grip Marshall
Hey remember the time we went to Brian's party?
And you were like so drunk that you threw up all over Archie
That was funny wasn't it?
(Yes!)
That was funny wasn't it?
(Yes!)
See it all makes sense, doesn't it?
You and your husband have a fight
One of you tries to grab a knife
And during the struggle he accidentally gets his Adams apple sliced
(No!)
And while this is goin' on
His son just woke up and he just walks in
She panics and he gets his throat cut
(Oh my God!)
So now they both dead and you slash your own throat
So now it's double homicide and suicide with no note
I should have known better when you started to act weird
We could've...HEY! Where you going? Get back here!
You can't run from me Kim
It's just us, nobody else!
You're only making this harder on yourself
Ha! Ha! Got'cha!
(Ahh!)
Ha! Go ahead yell!
Here I'll scream with you!
AH SOMEBODY HELP!
Don't you get it bitch, no one can hear you?
Now shut the fuck up and get what's comin to you
You were supposed to love me
*Kim choking
NOW BLEED! BITCH BLEED!
BLEED! BITCH BLEED! BLEED!

So long, bitch you did me so wrong
I don't wanna go on
Living in this world without you

So long, bitch you did me so wrong
I don't wanna go on
Living in this world without you
Stan:
my tea's gone cold i'm wondering why i got out of bed at all the morning rain clouds up my window and i can't see at all and even if i could it'll all be gray but your picture on my wall it reminds me that it's not so bad it's not so bad
1st chorus volume gradually grows over raindrop background
2nd chorus full volume with beat right after thunder noise
eminem as 'stan'
dear slim i wrote but you still ain't callin i left my cell my pager and my home phone at the bottom i sent two letters back in autumn you must not a got 'em there probably was a problem at the post office or somethin sometimes i scribble addresses too sloppy when i jot 'em but anyways fuck it what's been up man how's your daughter my girlfriend's pregnant too i'm bout to be a father if i have a daughter guess what i'ma call her i'ma name her bonnie i read about your uncle ronnie too i'm sorry i had a friend kill himself over some bitch who didn't want him i know you probably hear this everyday but i'm your biggest fan i even got the underground shit that you did with skam i got a room full of your posters and your pictures man i like the shit you did with rawkus too that shit was fat anyways i hope you get this man hit me back just to chat truly yours your biggest fan this is stan chorus dido
eminem as 'stan' dear slim you still ain't called or wrote i hope you have a chance i ain't mad i just think it's fucked up you don't answer fans if you didn't wanna talk to me outside your concert you didn't have to but you coulda signed an autograph for matthew that's my little brother man he's only six years old we waited in the blistering cold for you four hours and you just said no that's pretty shitty man you're like his fuckin idol he wants to be just like you man he likes you more than i do I ain't that mad though i just don't like bein lied to remember when we met in Denver you said if I’d write you you would write back see i'm just like you in a way i never knew my father neither he used to always cheat on my mom and beat her i can relate to what you're saying in your songs so when i have a shitty day i drift away and put 'em on cause i don't really got shit else so that shit helps when i'm depressed i even got a tattoo of your name across the chest sometimes i even cut myself to see how much it bleeds it's like adrenaline the pain is such a sudden rush for me see everything you say is real and i respect you cause you tell it my girlfriend's jealous cause i talk about you 24/7 but she don't know you like i know you slim no one does she don't know what it was like for people like us growin up you gotta call me man i'll be the biggest fan you'll ever lose sincerely yours stan p s we should be together too chorus dido
eminem as 'stan'
dear mister i'm too good to call or write my fans this'll be the last package i ever send your ass it's been six months and still no word i don't deserve it i know you got my last two letters i wrote the addresses on 'em perfect so this is my cassette i'm sending you i hope you hear it i'm in the car right now i'm doing 90 on the freeway hey slim i drank a fifth of vodka you dare me to drive you know the song by phil collins in the air of the night about that guy who coulda saved that other guy from drowning but didn't then phil saw it all then at a show he found him that's kinda how this is you coulda rescued me from drowning now it's too late i'm on a 1000 downers now i'm drowsy and all i wanted was a lousy letter or a call i hope you know i ripped all of your pictures off the wall i love you slim we coulda been together think about it you ruined it now i hope you can't sleep and you dream about it and when you dream i hope you can't sleep and you scream about it i hope your conscience eats at you and you can't breathe without me see slim screaming shut up bitch i'm tryin to talk hey slim that's my girlfriend screamin in the trunk but i didn't slit her throat i just tied her up see i ain't like you cause if she suffocates she'll suffer more and then she'll die too well gotta go i'm almost at the bridge now oh shit i forgot how'm i supposed to send this shit out
Car’s tires squeal crash brief silence loud splash

chorus dido
eminem
dear stan i meant to write you sooner but i just been busy you said your girlfriend's pregnant now how far along is she look i'm really flattered you would call your daughter that and here's an autograph for your brother i wrote it on the starter cap i'm sorry i didn't see you at the show i musta missed you don't think i did that shit intentionally just to diss you but what's this shit you said about you like to cut your wrists too i say that shit just clownin dogg c'mon how fucked up is you you got some issues stan i think you need some counselling to help your ass from bouncing off the walls when you get down some and what's this shit about us meant to be together that type of shit'll make me not want us to meet each other i really think you and your girlfriend need each other or maybe you just need to treat her better i hope you get to read this letter i just hope it reaches you in time before you hurt yourself i think that you'll be doin just fine if you relax a little i'm glad i inspire you but stan why are you so mad try to understand that i do want you as a fan i just don't want you to do some crazy shit i seen this one shit on the news a couple weeks ago that made me sick some dude was drunk and drove his car over a bridge and had his girlfriend in the trunk and she was pregnant with his kid and in the car they found a tape but they didn't say who it was to come to think about his name was it was you damn





Eminem’s Lyrics..

The real slim shady..
May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?
Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?
I repeat will the real Slim Shady please stand up?
We're going to have a problem here

(Verse 1)

Ya'll act like you never seen a white person before
jaws all on the floor like Pam like Tommy just burst in the door
started whoopin her ass worse than before
they first get divorced throwing her over furniture (scream)
It's the return of the
"Oh wait, no way, your kidding, he didn't just say what I think he did, did
he?"
And Dr Dre said
....Nothing you idiots Dr Dre's dead, he's locked in my basement (haha)
Feminist women love Eminem
Chicka chicka chicka Slim Shady I'm sick of him
look at him, walking around grabbing his you know what
Flipin' the you know who "yeah, but hes so cute though"
Yea I probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose
but no worse than what's going on in your parent's bedrooms
Sometimes I wanna get on TV and just let loose,
but can't, but its cool for Tom Green to hump a dead moose
my bum is on your lips, my bum is on your lips
and if I'm lucky you might just give it a little kiss
and that's the message that we deliver to little kids
and expect them not to know what a womens clitoris is.
Of course they gonna know what intercourse is
by the time they hit 4th grade,
they got the discovery channel don't they?
We ain't nothing but mammals; well some of us cannibals
who cut other people open like cantaloupes.
But if we can hump dead animals and antelopes
then there's no reason that a man and another man can't elope
But if you feel like I feel I got the antidote.
Women wave your panty hoes, sing the chorus and it goes...

(Chorus)

I'm Slim Shady
Yes I'm the real Shady
All you other Slim Shady’s are just imitating
So won't the real Slim Shady...
Please stand up, Please stand up, Please stand up
becuase I'm Slim Shady
Yes I'm the real Shady
All you other Slim Shady’s are just imitating
So won't the real Slim shady...
Please stand up, Please stand up, Please stand up

(Verse 2)

Will Smith don't gotta cuss in his raps to sell records
Well I do, so fuck him and fuck you too.
You think I give a damm about a Grammy?
Half of you critics can't even stomach me, let alone stand me.
"But Slim what if u win wouldn't it be weird?"
Why? So you guys can just lie to get me here?
So you can sit me here next to Britney Spears.
Shit, Christina Aguilera better switch me chairs
So I can sit next to Carson Daly and Fred Durst
And hear 'em argue over who she gave head to first.
Little bitch put me on blast on MTV
"yeah he's cute but I think he's married to Kim, hehe"
I should download her audio on mp3
And show the whole world how you gave Eminem V.D. (scream)
I'm sick of you little girl and boy groups all you do is annoy me
So I've been sent here to destroy you
And theres a million of us just like me
Who cuss like me
Who just don't give a fuck like me
Who dress like me
Walk, talk and act like me
It just might be the next best thing
But not quite me

(chorus)

(Verse 3)

I'm like a headtrip to listen to
Cause I'm only giving you
things you joke about with your friends inside your living room
The only difference is I got the balls to say it in front of ya'll
And I don't gotta be false or sugar coated at all
I just get on the mic and spit it
And whether you like to admit it (rip)
I just shit it better than 90% of you rappers out there
Then you wonder how can kidz eat up these albums like valiums.
Its funny cuz at the rate im going when I'm 30
Ill be the only person in the nursing home flirting.
Pinching nurses asses when I'm jackin' off with Jergens and I'm jerking
But this whole bag of viagra isn't working
And every single person is a Slim Shady lurkin'
He could be workin at Burger King spitten on your onion rings
Or in the parking lot circling
screaming I don't give a fuck
With his windows down and system up
So will the real Shady, please stand up
and put one of those fingers on each hand up
and to be proud to be outta your mind and outta control
and one more time, loud as you can, how does it go?